i miss it so much. i’m in love with the warm weather. i’m in love with the freedom. no school. no dumb teachers. no homework. just a time to let go and enjoy life. i miss bike rides and going over to my friends’ houses almost everyday. i miss not caring what i looked like and leaving my hair the way it is without a care in the world. i miss summer clothes. i miss waterparks and beaches. i miss being able to walk outside without a heavy coat and run around like the day would never end. i wish going to the park and going on the swings. i miss summer so much i can’t even put it into words. i’m almost desperate for it.

I have an amazing conversation with someone and I think that it’s the start of new friendship, but I end up never talking to that person again. Like it didn’t mean anything? That we found that we have lots of things in common or we just generally like each other? I try and do my part and start new conversations, but you don’t seem to want to put forth the effort to talk to me again. I don’t wanna be annoying or anything…idk maybe I just get attached too easily.

even though it’s already started, i’m still stuggling with what i should give up. i’m already giving up twenty minutes of my day that i’m setting aside for prayer, but i feel like that’s not enough. instead of giving something up, i want to do something but i don’t know what. if anyone out there has an idea, i’m open to about anything. i want to do more for the big guy up there that has done so much for me.

thank you JESUS. i needed this day to catch up on homework and just relax while i feel like shit. i was actually planning on staying home anyways, but this just makes it better because i don’t have to deal with missing my second day in a row this week. i have so much work i have to get done, and four quizzes that i need to study for. bleh. what i should be able to do is just enjoy the gorgeous, scenic view in my back yard. i want to build a snowman. i want to go sledding. i want to shuffle over to my friend’s house and greet her with a snowball to the face and run away as fast as my little legs can trudge through the thick layer of snow. i want to watch movies and stay on tumblr all day. i want to go iceskating so bad. i wish i could’ve taken a picture of what it looked like yesterday though. when i was sitting in the doctor’s office i looked out the window, and i saw that it had started to snow. the snowflakes were huge. it looked like something you would see in a Christmas movie. it was so beautiful and i couldn’t resist running out and catching the snowflakes on my tongue. i love snow. only fresh snow though. i don’t like it when it’s all mucky and brown. but when it’s new and white and the sun sparkles on it and it’s just one of the most beautiful things to look at. at least school gave us a day where we could take a break and enjoy the beautiful, pure white gift God gave us today.

that’s not how it should be. i shouldn’t feel like i have to try really hard when i hang out with my “best friends.” i don’t feel as close to them as they are to each other. maybe i’m just an outsider no matter where i am or who i’m with. isn’t that just sad? well that’s how things go for me i guess.

and of course i have to get sick. just my luck. why does this happen to me every year? i work hard, and then i get too sick to do anything. this is my last year in the 13-14 age group. this is my last chance to qualify for state. i was even hoping to try and make nationals, but there’s no way i can drop four seconds in the next couple of days. especially when i’m as sick as i am. i just don’t have the extra strength, or talent that’s needed to make it on this high of a level. i gave it my best shot. but i guess it wasn’t enough.

dear uncle danny,

it was really depressing seeing all of your family and friends crying for you tonight. i feel slightly guilty that i didn’t cry, but i’m on the verge of tears right now. i’ve seen you only when i was little, and maybe once or twice when i was old enough to even remember you. but i’ve heard so many amazing things about you. you’ve entertained people with your music, you got married at eighteen and had a disabled daughter. you fought cancer for years…and it finally brought you to the end. it was so sad to see your wife and daughter struggling to hold back their tears…i felt even worse because i hardly anything. what could i say? i didn’t know anybody there even everyone seemed to know me from when i was little. i saw dozens of your photos of you having the time of your life and sharing your joy with so many other people. from the times i have met you, you were so outgoing and happy despite your severe illnesses. you were so strong, and you didn’t let anyting get in your way. i love you, and i’m so happy that your suffering is over.

remember when we thought ‘crap’ and ‘shut up’ were swear words?  now kids are dropping f-bombs all over the place.  remember when we played cards and board games?  now kids play with their ipods and smart phones.  remember when our parents were our heros?  now kids are idolizing celebrities as if they were gods and goddesses.  remember when we would refuse to put our book down until it was finished?  now kids refuse to shut their game systems off until they finish “one more game.”  kids are getting messed up along with the rest of the world…and it’s really sad to see.

so today was a pretty depressing day for me.  it’s perfectly natuarl for someone to feel a little sad when they’re walking through the hallway and seeing dozens of couples exchange kisses, chocolates and flowers.  i’m not complaining.  it’s actually kinda sweet to see all of the love in the air, it would just be nice if i had some of my own, ya know?